Personal Ad

So I finally broke down and put up a bio on a dating site. The divorce is final and I’ve binge watched every popular and unpopular show I can find, so I figured it’s about time to get a social life again. (sighs) That was about two weeks ago and when I did it I figured that the best route would to be as absolutely honest as I could be, so I put my actual height and weight and what not… but then came the question “tell us a little about yourself.” So I thought, “hell, I don’t want someone who can’t stomach the real me so Imma gonna put it all out there.”

So this is what I put.

First, I don’t trust anyone who has never seen all three of the original star wars films and particularly dislike people who take pride in saying “I’ve never seen star wars,” I mean, what in the hell is wrong with you? I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. I don’t do Vegans. Hard to be the top of the food chain when you are only eating carrots and wheat grass. Plus if you give me the big eye while I’m eating a cheeseburger the date’s over. So if you’re vegan or hell, even vegetarian, swipe left or whatever it takes to get to the next person.  

I’m political and opinionated but if you are too, and don’t agree with me that’s cool right? If you’re one of those people looking to convert me to your way of thinking then I am going to be an exercise in frustration for you. I love dogs but not cats. I mean, I like cats fine but people who own cats have houses that smell like cats. If this works out then I assume at some point things are going to get physical and I don’t want to be kissing you tenderly on the neck with the smell of cat piss shooting up my nose. So, no cat people. Also no weird animals like snakes or spiders. I’m not scared of those things, but I just think it’s damn weird to have pets that don’t show affection, or even better, would like to eat you. Fish are fine I guess. 

No fat or ugly people. I know that sounds crass and maybe you think I am fat and-or ugly, but if that’s the case then feel free to browse on muchacha. It may sound shallow but this all starts with physical attraction right? See my pic at the top, that’s a bad shot of me. I look better than that but I chose that pic so you can see me at base level. If waking up next to that terrifies you, then I totally understand. I’m going to need a good quality picture before we go out. I’m sure your soul may be beautiful but if your face looks like it’s a candidate for a transplant, I’m out. 

Just so you know I also hate country music, body odor, most vegetables, classical literature, Nicholas Sparks movies, especially the Notebook, Burger King, most people’s tattoos, and people who don’t appreciate well used profanity. I have a vulgar sense of humor, am hypercritical but self-deprecating, I am loyal, brutally honest and I have a low tolerance for idiots.

Finally, if your email is something like Aaronsmom@gmail.com or Momofthree@Ihavenoidentity.net then don’t reply… even if the rest of this sounds perfect. 

So, no replies yet. I am starting to think I should have put a better picture