Maybe I’m just weird, but I swear that seeing people in the hall making out is just gross. I mean, we get it, Ok? You and your boyfriend-slash-girlfriend are totally into each other, but does that really mean that we have to be involved as well? It’s bad enough when it’s attractive people, but more times than not it’s some ugly guy, who I guess should be proud of him for finding anyone willing to even kiss him in private…anyways some ugly guy and his nasty, used looking girlfriend.
There’s this couple that sits near me outside at lunch….first you have to realize that I put nicknames on people I know… and I call these two fishface and hatchet head. The guy is fishface because he’s all bug eyed and has this round fish lippy thing going on, and the girl’s head is kind of pointy, you know like a hatchet. So every day I am sitting there, usually trying to get my homework done and fishface and hatchet head are there. The weird thing is, they don’t usually kiss or anything, but they stand there hugging as close as possible. It’s like they are two people trying to do that thing where amoebas split, but in reverse…ya know? Anti Mitosis? There’s probably a different word for that, but so there they are, trying to merge every day, making me awkward and finally I just sorta snapped. It was two weeks ago and fishface and hatchet head were almost flat up against each other and I made a snap decision… I just moved closer to them. I mean, usually I am sitting on the bench near their spot, but I actually stood up and posted myself about six feet from them.
They totally didn’t move or anything, so after a few moments, I moved closer… and closer… still no response. So I thought, “hell, I may as well see how far I can take this” so I moved even closer. So finally, I was standing about maybe a foot from hatchet head’s face, when she opened her eyes. She kinda jumped because I guess she was so far into fishface’s world that she hadn’t see me until just that moment. So there we were, making all kinds of awkward eye contact and after a few seconds, I just said “Sup.” I don’t think she was expecting that, or any of this really so all she had in the comment tank was “do you mind?” Now, I hadn’t planned this reply, but when she said that I piped out “Not at all.” And then I did the creepy eyebrow thing. You know this. (Demonstrates raising their eyebrows up and down while once again saying “Not at all”) So then, shook from the moment, hatchet head turns around and says “What the hell?” and then they try to move a few feet away. Now, you can’t make this up…when they moved they did not break form, but moved sorta shambling as one organism. I gave it a few seconds and then started my approach again.
Suffice it to say, Juliet and Romeo (pronounced Row may oh) have found a new lunch spot. It didn’t even take two days… the next day they saw me, muttered something that sounded like “duck” and just left. So, I think I have found my purpose. My crusade, at least until I graduate is going to be acting as the Batman of public affection. I already have my next mission… Bleachfriz and Camouflage Carl who stand outside my second block class every day. No need to thank me, making the world a less tacky place is all the thanks I need.
All Shows have been fully produced at Laney High School and I would be happy to answer any questions about staging or any other aspects of these shows.
Copyright © 2021 Brent Holland